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There are many famous Aprils. Such as Bam Margera’s mum and the one from “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”. So, will April 2010 be famous and memorable in your life story? Read on to find out…

Capricorn – You may find yourself wanting to learn a new skill, I would recommend window cleaning. Your new found quest for knowledge will open doors (and windows) for you. If you are single, you are definitely going to presented with a romantic opportunity this month. Chances are, it’ll involve seeing a naked person through a window. Luck knocks on a yellow door, (not yellow and black stripes, as this may be a door to an electrical sub station).

Aquarius – As a water based sign, you feel happiest when covered in a fine mist. Luckily for you, April will be a foggy month. However, this fog made cloud your judgement. Think twice, or even thrice about every decision you make. Your spelling and grammar abilities will be heightened over the next few weeks, and yes, thrice is a word.  Why not take time to learn a new language? Actually, don’t bother, most people can speak English these days.

Pisces – Nothing seems real this month, everything is like a beautiful dream. Remember, all dreams come to an end, have you ever seen Cool Runnings? Yeah. Remember Cool Runnings this month, there is an important message there, and it’s not just about the winter Olympics. In your dream like state it may be easy for you to forget to do day to day tasks, such as bathing and applying for a TV licence. You must awaken from your dream like state when required, otherwise, it’ll be May before your know it.

Aries – Take a close look at a lottery ticket you have recently purchased. There will be something special about it. It could be that it holds a cash prize you have not yet noticed, or it could be that there is an hilarious typo somewhere on the ticket. Typo’s are funny. You will find yourself feeling empty towards the end of the month, so go for a curry. Order Peshwari Nan, it’s nice. Oh, and Pilau rice. You’ll know the correct main dish to go for.

Taurus – You recently manipulated the change to British Summer time to make it appear you made love to your partner for one hour three minutes, however we all know it was only three minutes. You should talk about this to someone…anyone…except a group of mates in the pub or in fact your partner. If you do this your will end up either laughed at or single respectively. You might also feel itchy. Scratch Taurus, scratch like you’ve never scratched before.

Gemini – If you had all the money in the world, what would you do? I’ll tell you. You’d buy all the wallets in the world to keep it in. What does this mean? You are too boring, and need to liven it up a bit! Jump out of your comfort zone! Go to a random gig, try a new fabric softener or even adopt a child. Just do something. Failure to do so will result in a routine month  of boredom, bills and paperwork. If you find your old collection of POGS, throw them away. They will never be worth anything.

Cancer – If you find someone invading your personal space, you will need to mace them. If mace is not allowed in your particular country, you can get this weird orange paint stuff. Google it. You need a little time alone, and should use whichever projectile is applicable to get it. During your time alone, you will learn more about yourself, such as the colour of your eyes and how many of your Facebook friends you actually know.

Leo – This is perhaps the most exciting month of the year for you. You will visit new places, discover new people, do little amounts of work and generally have a laugh. Awesome. I mean, because your a Leo, your ace anyway, but this month you are going to be acer than ace. Towards the end of the month normality will return, which will feel like a bit of a disappointment at first, but once you remember how good April was, you’ll soon cheer up and arrange to do it all again.

Virgo – This is a month in which you will be in demand, at work, at home or by the local police force. Make sure that you keep your contact details and road tax up to do date. You can pay online, so really you have no excuse. After all, your reading this so you must have access to the internet. Well I guess you could be reading on a phone, not sure if you can renew using the internet on your phone, I guess so, but I have never tried. The stars indicate you will invent an iPhone app that allows people to pay road tax online this month.

Libra – Sometimes you have to tell the truth to your friends, and the truth can hurt. Like standing on an upturned electrical plug, that’s the worst isn’t it. I once did it and jumped off the plug onto another so I had double the pain. You must be honest with your friends in April. Tell them about the secret cameras. They won’t judge. They’ll leave that to an actual judge. Seriously though, if you have done anything that would upset your friends, you should still talk to them about it. That way you can find out if your really are friends with them. Zing.

Scorpio – You may well find yourself singing along to that new Lady Gaga song, and immediately try to shoot yourself in the face. Don’t. It’s OK to be singing along to Gaga. Her songs are meant to be catchy and uplifting. You could just be caught in the melody, rather than going mad. There was a time when talking to yourself was the first sign of insanity, nowadays it’s singing along to Gaga. Still it could be worse, you could of named your Cactus “Glee Cast”, on account of the fact it’s full of pricks.

Sagittarius – Turn you hand to home baking, and make you and your family a place to live out of Victoria Spongecake. Obviously this may prove problematic in the short term, with rain and all, it’ll soon pay to have your home baked house, because you would otherwise not be able to find a larger home for a reasonable price. Also, when you are not home baking, you should read. Reading is good. Why not read a Harry Potter book. Oh right, because you are an adult. Good point.

Well 2010 is marching on towards March, find out what you’ll be up to in the next month below!

Capricorn – This month you may experience some lower back pain. This is due to the arrival of the big dipper in Uranus. It’ll soon fade, so don’t let it get you down. A friend may disclose to you some rather sensitive information, at first you’ll be glad that your friend chose to trust you. However, don’t rush in to offer a hug straight away, advise them to get some antiseptic cream first. Luck knocks at door number 3, unless you live at number 3, in which case you will have probably lost your keys.

Aquarius – There is going to be so much going on in March, you won’t know what to do with yourself! Well pick one thing and see it through. Don’t try and spread yourself thinly over multiple things, like that butter you get in hotels, which is limited to one packet per person. While you are in this focused state you may not see whats going on around you, with family and friends. Oh well, don’t worry about it, it’s probably not that interesting anyway. They are probably just watching Glee.

Pisces – You will receive and unexpected call, from someone with an interesting offer. It sounds really good, but remember, these broadband providers don’t tell you about download limits unless you ask. Everyone you talk over the next few weeks may seem to be having more fun than you are, but don’t worry, they are dead inside. Seriously, these people are just trying to impress you, because they are not as cool as you are. Walk away from them and do that weird smug smile that Lucy Beale does in Eastenders. It’ll make you feel happier, and looks quite sexy.

Aries – “Love is in the Air” or should that be “Love is in the Aries”!! This month you are a love magnet and you are very aware of your polarity, but remember, magnetic polarity can flip at anytime. See wikipedia for more information. When your not fighting off offers of love from your partner, a sexually ambiguous friend or Big Sally, you will be in a philosophical mood. You will question everything over and over. Be aware, this will get very annoying for those around you. Especially if they are behind you in the queue at McDonald’s.

Taurus – You will be feeling quite sad at the start of the month, not to worry, its probably just because your upset about the whole Ashley and Cheryl thing. Try not to worry too much, they didn’t have kids and he’s a bit of a douche. To overcome this sad patch try to focus on your own partner for a bit, even if you cannot bear to look at them and their stupid face. Making up is hard to do, but its worth it in the end, especially if there is money involved. If you are single, focus on someone else’s partner. Luck points to the local branch of HSBC.

Gemini – Looks like your in for a bit of a weird month, you’ll be feeling like your up for anything, but when it comes to the execution, you’ll get tired easily. This is because your getting old, get over it. There ain’t nothing you can do about it. To distract yourself from this constant ageing, read a book or leaflet. In fact, a leaflet you read may hold to the key to an source of extra income. However, you should take the time to insure any gold you put in the post.

Cancer – You’ll start to see someone close to you in a completely different light, this could be due to an complex change in your emotions or due to the purchase of a low energy lightbulb. Those things take forever to come on, but your saving the planet. so its all good. You are a pretty content person this month, try not to get to smug.Smug people annoy me, oh and the stars. Over the last couple of weeks you will have been inspired to take up a new sport, this is probably due to the Olympics. Do it! Find yourself a tea tray and a sewage pipe and Luge away!

Leo – You are well known for having performance anxiety, and this month it might start to get the better of you if you don’t address it. Life is one big performance, and you will be judged at the end of it, when you are gone and not in a position to hear any criticism, so you know…who really cares what people think?! I don’t. Take time to moisturise this month, smooth skin makes you look healthier and helps you escape the grasp of sexual deviants.

Virgo – You probably feel as if you have spent loads of money this month, and you could do with reigning in the spending. Do it! Remember though, you need to spend money to make money, just not on big sandwiches and alcohol. You will probably get a bit bored this month, to overcome this why not get a pet? However pets do cost money, so get one of those rescued dogs or something like that. They are free and you’ll never really be sure whats going on in its head. This makes them cost effective and exciting, which is an unusual combination. A bit like a Tesco Value chocolate biscuit, dunked in someone else’s Absinthe.

Libra – Your soul feels empty this month, this could be because of a lack of love or simply due to the fact you are a soulless monster. Either way, it’s probably going to be a bit of a crap month.  To overcome this, pretend you are someone else. You may get an opportunity to try something new, don’t do it. It’ll give you the runs. Luck points to the colour blue, so wherever you see blue try and hang around there. Unless it is outside a hospital, you’ll probably just be in the way and end up getting arrested.

Scorpio – Sometimes it’s ok to cry, however sometimes it’s not. You may be doing a lot of crying in March. Remember though, tears can be joyful or  sad. In your case they seem to be joyful, you will be celebrating something. It could be pregnancy news or the purchase of a new carpet. The stars are surprisingly vague when it comes to detail. If you are male the onus will be on you to do some tidying up this month. Just do it, it’ll be worth it, you may well find some of your old porn before anyone else does.

Sagittarius – If you are going on holiday soon, you might feel like doing your hair differently. Remember though, if you don’t look like your passport photo, you’ll have issues. It’s the same with facial hair. As a tip, make sure you have a cleanly shaven picture in your passport, so if you do get a beard on, you can use biro to fill it in. If you are female and have facial hair, then your passport photo is not the most important thing you have to worry about. However, you will be treated as a goddess in certain european nations, so you might get an upgraded room. Every cloud.

Didn’t January go quick? Time for February, I wonder what excitement awaits? Well find out below! For those who don’t want to find out look away now…

Capricorn – Moan, moan, moan. All you have been doing recently is moan! It’s not your fault though, because there hasn’t been an awful lot to get excited about has there? Don’t worry. All this is about to change. Your going to meet someone new. It could be a soul-mate or just a car insurance salesperson. So you’ll either have the excitement of a wedding to plan, or perhaps a cheaper renewal quote. Either way, get in! If you find yourself lonely on Valentines day, and your female, and nice, why not give a Leo who understands Unix file permissions a ring, email or tweet?

Aquarius – This month you may feel more open minded than usual. This could be because you read a challenging book or article, or you may be shot in the back of the head. It’s more likely to be the book though, so don’t panic. Your new found open mindedness will open doors for you in February, with the help of your hands obviously. Look out for a large red object, I mean, like an unusual large red object, not a bus or anything, although you probably should look out for them too. If you find yourself lonely on Valentines day, and your female, and nice, why not give a Leo who understands Unix file permissions a ring, email or tweet?

Pisces – Something or someone has been bothering you recently. Not in a good way either. It’s time to get rid of them or it. You’ll feel much better when you do. The trouble is, you seem to attract annoying people. Rubbish isn’t it. So don’t jump at the first person that comes along. Take time to analyse the people you meet. When you do this, you’ll meet someone slightly less annoying. Re-read any letters you receive this month, they may contain a hidden message or hilarious typo. If you find yourself lonely on Valentines day, and your female, and nice, why not give a Leo who understands Unix file permissions a ring, email or tweet?

Aries – Things will start to slow down for you this month, unless you drive a Toyota, in which case they may unexpectedly speed up. Whatever happens, It’ll turn out well and you will enjoy the next few weeks. A romantic event is on the horizon for you, possibly on Valentines day, that would make sense actually wouldn’t it?  A close friend might need your help this month. It’ll be your decision whether to help or not, and this may prove to be a tough call to make. It’ll probably depend on what is on telly at the time, but take time to remember BBC iPlayer. If you find yourself lonely on Valentines day, and your female, and nice, why not give a Leo who understands Unix file permissions a ring, email or tweet?

Taurus – You are feeling incredibly generous this month. So reward those closest to you, in whatever way you can. Obviously don’t do anything illegal though. Other than that, it should be a routine few weeks, might get a bit boring, but you’ll be glad of the rest. If you get too bored, why not try learning a new language such as Spanish or Javascript? The stars show that no matter how much you try to resist you will end up with an iPhone eventually. If you find yourself lonely on Valentines day, and your female, and nice, why not give a Leo who understands Unix file permissions a ring, email or tweet?

Gemini – Your relationship is starting to get back on track after a bit of a bumpy patch. You are like the sandpaper of love, and you partner likes this. Really spoil your partner and you’ll get spoilt back, in an absolutely smashing way. It could be something as simple as an unwavering commitment to you, or a bacon sandwich, with egg. Life tastes good Gemini, and this month you’re at an all you can eat buffet. Obviously none of this applies if you are single, but that’s all I got from the stars, there is a limit to the amount they give me you know. If you find yourself lonely on Valentines day, and your female, and nice, why not give a Leo who understands Unix file permissions a ring, email or tweet?

Cancer – There’s no easy way to say this, but it might get a bit crap over the next few weeks, but then don’t worry because it’ll all get better after! Phew. It’s not going to be that bad, just a bit sort of, you know, meh. You’ll feel like you don’t fit in anywhere anymore, but it’s all in your head and possibly your belly. To counter this get out there, meet people. Luck connects you to someone who works in the nuclear power industry. If you find yourself lonely on Valentines day, and your female, and nice, why not give a Leo who understands Unix file permissions a ring, email or tweet?

Leo – Being king of the star signs is hard work isn’t it? Never mind, you can handle it, because you’re the best. This month you will receive many offers – of love, of tea and biscuits and of half price broadband. It’s up to you which ones you take, but just make sure you understand the download limits. Try to spend as much time as possible thinking and stroking a beard, it doesn’t have to be your own. If you find yourself lonely on Valentines day, and your female, and nice, why not give another Leo who understands Unix file permissions a ring, email or tweet?

Virgo – You may still be feeling the pain of a recent split, or fall on an icy road. You have to move fast if you’re going to heal this pain. Spending time in the spotlight is a great way to do this. Try whatever you can to get your face out there. Arrange a party, do something for charity or commit a petty crime in front of a CCTV camera. There have been many famous Virgo’s, such as John, and you could be the next one! How very bloody exciting! If you find yourself lonely on Valentines day, and your female, and nice, why not give a Leo who understands Unix file permissions a ring, email or tweet?

Libra – Something will be missing in your life in February, it may take you a while to work out what it is. So the stars have decided to help you and tell you what it is. It’s Celebrity Big Brother, and to be honest it wasn’t that great anyway, so you shouldn’t be missing it that much. If it makes you feel better, why not spend time trying to think of which celebrities are big brothers? I’ll get you started, Andrew Lloyd Webber, he’s one. Do this for the next month and you’ll fill a hole. If you find yourself lonely on Valentines day, and your female, and nice, why not give a Leo who understands Unix file permissions a ring, email or tweet?

Scorpio – After what was essentially a boring month last month, things can only get more exciting right? Nope, sorry. It’s gonna be about the same again. You may get some entertainment out of seeing a repeat of a Top Gear you haven’t seen before on Dave. Remember, if you haven’t seen it, it’s new to you. You could apply this to other areas of your life. Try a new drink or buy a random classic album such as Spice Girls “Spice”. This may lead to an encounter that could prove significant in the future. Also, it’ll help pass the time. If you find yourself lonely on Valentines day, and your female, and nice, why not give a Leo who understands Unix file permissions a ring, email or tweet?

Sagittarius – Start the month by taking a look in the Mirror. Then the Sun, Daily Mail, Independent and finally Guardian. Your brain has been craving the printed word for sometime, this could simply be because it is addicted to the smell of printer ink. Something tiny may upset you this month, try to keep it in perspective though and don’t let it get you down. It could be something like stepping on an upturned electrical plug without any shoes on, or a heated exchange in a pub with a jockey. Remember, although frustrating, these are minor irritations. If you find yourself lonely on Valentines day, and your female, and nice, why not give a Leo who understands Unix file permissions a ring, email or tweet?

Well that’s that for the month, I’m off now to ”chmod” some files to 755 on my Unix machine, and continue to look forward to my birthday, which falls in between July 23rd and August 22nd. TTFN.

Recently, whilst drunk, I discovered I was able to do star signs. Wicked. So every month I will deliver them to you here, free of charge I might add. If only every astrologer was as cool as me, I’m looking at you Patrick Moore.

Capricorn – Chances are you are pretty happy at the moment, the stars show that a celebration has just happened in your world and life is pretty good. Maybe the celebration hasn’t quite happened, but will happen soon, it could be a birthday, either yours or that of a religious icon. Anyway, you should enjoy this happiness as it will be short lived. You’ll soon realise that you have a whole year to wait before you get to do it again, gutted.

Aquarius – You will suddenly find that you no longer like your favourite food. At first this will annoy you, relax though, its for the best. It’s your bodies way of telling you it’s fed up of the same old food. Make simple changes to your diet, instead of chips have potato salad. These simple changes path the way to a healthier life. If you still feel like crap at the end of the month chances are you should go and see a doctor.

Pisces – You may feel like something is missing in your life at the moment. You feel cold and vulnerable, so check you have all your doors and windows in place. If you are female, beautiful yet insecure, why not seek to spend as much time as possible with a male Leo, especially if they have a good sense of humour, stubble and an understanding of Cisco firewall rulesets.

Aries – This is the month to do something wild and exciting. You crave adventure and who can blame you, you’re on fire. Why not head to the library, grab a book and not take it back until the last day of the loan? There is so much possibility before you Aries, don’t let the opportunity pass. If you do, well, then it’s your own fault really isn’t it. Chump.

Taurus – You have it all don’t you, great friends, a great partner, a fab job. Chances are you might lose one or both of these soon. My money would be on one of the great friends and great partner. Not so great now are they? Keep an eye on Facebook wall posts and SMS messages. They might contain a hidden message. Or just a message, that is meant to be hidden from you.

Gemini – If your in a relationship, your partner always seems to be the one wearing the trousers, this needs to change this month. Stand up for yourself, put on some trousers. If you are male, then really you should do this anyway, if you are female then you will feel warmer as a result. If you are in a relationship with another Gemini, expect arguments this month.

Cancer – You may have an unexpected windfall this month, don’t get too excited though, chances are the tax man will get his hands on most of it. Your luck continues when you knock on door number 42. An original Playstation in an attic holds the key to a love message and a copy of Tomb Raider 2, you know, the one with the fake cheat code that supposedly made Lara Croft strip.

Leo – Your ace and you know it. It doesn’t matter what anyone else tells you. As a lover you are sensational. No one will ever tell you this, but trust me you are. Prepare yourself for a depressed Pisces to throw themselves at you, this will lead to a dilemma. Do you take advantage or be a gentle human. I think you know the answer.

Virgo – If you find yourself bored and lonely this month, get down the pub. Seriously. Not only will you get fresh air, you’ll also meet other bored and lonely folks, mainly Virgo’s. This could lead to a relationship, or even better a chance to realise that your life is no where near as bad as someone else’s. Take care when crossing an icy road this month.

Libra -Take time to write that letter you have been planning on writing. Send it special delivery, otherwise it probably won’t get there. If it’s a love letter this might make you look like a psycho, so pretext the letter with a cover note explaining you are not a psycho, you were just concerned that the postal service would let you down. Omit this if you are a psycho.

Scorpio – You could fall in love with a slightly wet and embarrassed Virgo when you help them up after they have fallen over on an icy road. Make sure you don’t fall over yourself! Other than that it looks like it’s going to be a pretty boring month for you, so yeah, enjoy that. Oh, when you go shopping you’ll meet an old schoolmate, chances are you’ll still hate them.

Sagittarius – If you get the opportunity to go on a training course or to a conference, you should probably go. You may learn something. Failing that the stars point to a definite free bar and/or buffet. It’ll also give you a chance to get out of your partner’s hair if you go. This will do you both a world of good. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and allows for time to watch telly.