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The race started in the intense afternoon heat, black clouds threatened to unleash torrential rain, however it stayed dry throughout. This is more than can be said for Eddie Jordan’s armpits, which had remained saturated throughout the weekend. Mark Webber started the race from pole position, a position he kept for about thirty seconds as he handed the lead to his team mate Sebastian Vettel, who made a cracking start.

Lewis Hamilton made up eight places at the start, he had qualified 21st, but was well up the order by the time all the cars cleared the first corner. The two Ferrari’s also jumped a few midfield cars, however Jenson Button struggled to get his McLaren past the two Toro Rosso cars. Rubens Barrichello was lucky to have avoided being rear ended after getting away slowly from the grid.

The first corner was destruction free, Vettel lead Webber, meanwhile Nico Rosberg was third.

The Ferrari’s and McLaren’s then set about carving their way up the field. Lewis Hamilton was by far the most successful carver, he managed to dispense with the Toro Rosso’s while the Ferrari’s could not, allowing him to pull away from his rivals.  Lewis did encounter some resistance from the Renault of Vitaly Petrov, he managed to slide past the Russian but lost the place again after Petrov got a pretty good tow on the main straight. One lap later and Hamilton went past again, however this time decided to employ his standard “Grand Theft Auto” tactic, and weave all over the road to lose his pursuer. This tactic allowed him to get away from the Renault, he was also seen pressing L2 + Triangle + R1 + L2 + Circle on his steering wheel. The stewards gave him a warning about his PlayStation like antics.

Alonso’s Ferrari had decided to start eating itself, leaving him with reduced downshifting abilities and making the Ferrari sound more like a moped. It was unclear how much longer the car would last.

Michael Schumacher had issues with his nuts and had to retire.

With no sign of rain, the teams made standard tyre stops. Vettel’s was cracking, however Mark Webber lost a couple of seconds due to a sticky wheel gun. This well and truly ended Webber’s chances of winning the race. Well, unless Vettel’s Red Bull destroyed itself like it had done for the last couple of races.

In the final stages of the race Felipe Massa caught Jenson Button and performed a neat overtaking move to get past the Brit. Alonso tried to get past Button but the Ferrari could take no more, and the engine gave up on him, forcing him to retire.

Vettel crossed the line, followed by his team mate Mark Webber and then Nico Rosberg of Mercedes.

On the podium the flags had been arranged the wrong way round, meaning Mark Webber is now technically German and Rosberg Australian. This was an easy mistake to make as Mark Webber is known for not having a sense of humour.

The race started in slightly damp fashion, with all drivers choosing to start on the intermediate rain tyres. Pole position man Vettel made a good start and lead comfortably at the first corner. The best get away belonged to Felipe Massa, who shot off the line quicker than an overweight businessman at a free conference buffet. He went from 5th to 2nd quicker than you could say “mmm..scotch eggs”.

Massa’s teamate Fernando Alonso spun after colliding with McLaren’s Jenson Button. McLaren appeared to be running there new “magnetic paint” in Melbourne, as throughout the race, various competitors were seemingly drawn towards the silver cars. Alonso’s spin damaged Michael Schumacher’s Mercedes which was forced to pit, Jenson Button and Lewis Hamilton were lucky to escape unharmed.

Kamui Kobayashi demonstrated the Sauber’s secret “weight loss” mechanism, and started to jettison various bits of bodywork, unfortunately the front wing is a crucial aerodynamic component, and without it he was unable to prevent an accident that could of been very serious. Kobayshi collided with Nico Hulkenberg andtook them both out of the race.

Lewis and Jenson started to have a bit of battle in 6th and 7th, Lewis managed to get past Jenson, who then, with little warning decided to head straight to the pits for dry weather tyres. The McLaren pit crew just about managed to arrive with tyres in time, a bit like when you order a Pizza and it arrives 29 minutes and 50 seconds after you place the order, 10 seconds later and you wouldn’t have had to pay for it. It was that close.

Exiting the pit lane Jenson was sliding everywhere. It looked like he had made perhaps the worst decision since Jedward’s father said to their mother ”fancy an early night darling?”. It took him a lap to get used to the grip levels, but once he had he was flying. The rest of the field then pitted, and by the time they had all got out Jenson was at the front end of the pack.

Vettel still lead the race and was screaming away, much like he had done in Bahrain two weeks previously. Hamilton started to close on Webber andtried to get past him round the outside of turn 3, Webber blocked Hamilton well, however neglected to turn the corner, possibly due the the aforementioned McLaren magnetic paint. This almost resulted in an accident and forced Webber onto the gravel.

Vettel continued to run away with the lead. Until, the Red Bull looked more like the Red Bullshit once again. A brake problem forced Vettel to retire after beaching on the gravel. That left Jenson in the lead, with about half the race distance still to run.

Renault’s Robert Kubica ran second in a brilliant display by the Polish driver.

Towards the end of the race, Hamilton came in for a secondtyre stop, this meant he was trapped behind the two Ferrari’s, and just in front of Mark Webber. Hamilton continued to gain on Fernando Alonso, but just couldn’t get close enough to make the move. Several toys were thrown from the McLarencockpit as Hamilton screamed down the radio “who’s decision was it to bring me in??? terrible, terrible decision!!”. This could hint towards a possible remote control system at McLaren, because surely the ultimate decision to drive a car into the pit lane is that of the driver?

Angry Lewis then lined up Alonso, couldn’t quite make it stick and had to back out. The magnetic paint struck again, as Mark Webber’s Red Bull was pulled into the back of the McLaren from some distance back. This resulted in Lewis losing a place, Mark Webber lost his front wing and had to pit.

Meanwhile, ahead of all the chaos, Jenson Button was already placing his dinner order as he cruised home to take his first win for McLaren, he had managed to make his soft tyres last well in excess of 50 laps. It takes a special kind of person to make soft rubber last that long. I mean, I’ve had the same condom in my wallet since 2001, but it’s hardly the same.

It was the opening race of the season, and all eyes were focused squarely on Eddie Jordan’s incredibly tight white trousers, as he co-presented the BBC coverage. Seriously, how do his two vege survive in that stranglehold?

On track it looked like Sebastian Vettel was going to run off laughing after securing pole position in his Red Bull car. He made a good start and was the clear leader into the first corner. Just behind him Ferrari’s Fernando Alonso cruised past the recently stitched back together Felipe Massa to take second place from his team mate.

Mark Webber successfully demonstrated Red Bull’s new “smoke screen” system, controversially designed by Assistant Technical Director Dick Dastardly. He used to good affect and got shot of Force India’s Adrian Sutil and Renault’s Robert Kubica, who were blinded by the oily smokey mess.

The McLaren’s of Lewis Hamilton and Jenson Button plodded on, not really making an impression, but just being there. A bit like the most popular girl at schools slightly “heavier” best friend. The same could be said of Mercedes, where youngster Nico Rosberg stayed well ahead of the returning Michael Schumacher.

Speaking of Schumacher, he didn’t really have the ultimate comeback many had expected. He later revealed that the balance of his car was not right, as he stored his walking stick on the left hand side of the cockpit, not the right as he had done in qualifying.

Towards the back of the field the new teams in F1 tried their very best, but really, they may as well have been powered by Fred Flintstones feet. The computer designed Virgin Racing cars performed an illegal operation, and as the regulations prohibit rebooting during the race, they had to retire.

The HRT cars of Bruno Senna and Karun Chandok also suffered. Karun was the first to go, he hit a wall, and as the HRT car is made primarily of plywood he was unable to continue.

So with Alonso and Massa closing steadily on Vettel, disaster struck the Red Bull’s Renault engine. An suspected exhaust failure meant the car lost power and speed. The Ferrari’s and Lewis Hamilton ate Vettel up. Forcing him back to fourth position.

Alonso crossed the line to claim the victory in his first race with Ferrari. Massa was an impressive second and a clearly ecstatic Hamilton was third.

The real winners on the day were the F1 fans, who, thanks to the decision of Lewis Hamilton to ditch his Dad as his manager, were no longer forced to watch constantly reproduced images of him watching his son race, making faces like a constipated grape, while a semi-interested Pussycat doll passes the time in the background.

Formula One, it is a sport that divides many. Many consider it the ultimate demonstration of man and machine working together in perfect harmony at incredible speed. Others think it’s just a bunch of cars going around and around for hours. I guess in a way, both views are correct.

I bloody love it though, and this year, even if you have never watched Formula One before, you should at least try and watch some of it.

There are so many things going on in Formula One this season that will make it an historic one. It will be talked about for years and years to come, some say, it could even be the best season ever. I have prepared a list of the reasons you should watch. I am a fan of lists.

• Michael Schumacher is back. Non Formula One fans know Schumacher, he is a sportsman who has risen above the walls of his own sport and into the ranks of recognisable legends. He is coming out of retirement to race again. Aged 41, it will be interesting to see if he still has his abilities, or if his neck will fall off going round a corner.
• Team GB. Jenson Button and Lewis Hamilton are going to be team mates at McLaren. They are the only two British drivers in the field. They are both World Champions, Jenson in 2009 and Lewis in 2008. They are both capable of winning. They both want to win and will want to prove to the United Kingdom who is the better driver. This will be very interesting and may result in crashes/tears.
• Team Germany. Schumacher will be joined at Merc by Nico Rosberg. Nico is an upcoming star in the sport. This makes two German drivers, driving a German car vs. two Brits in a British (with a German Engine) car. Germany vs. Britain. I’m sure there is a rivalry there.
• Fernando Alonso is driving a Ferrari. He is a two time world Champion, 2005 and 2006. However, since then he has not had a good enough car to be competitive. Having said that, he did drive a McLaren alongside Lewis Hamilton in 2007, which he could have won in, however Lewis refused to be a push over and raced for himself. Taking crucial championship points off of Fernando. He is a good driver, and this year he is in a very good car.
• Felipe Massa is also in a Ferrari. He is also a potential World Champion. He had to miss half of last year because of a very serious injury caused when a large spring smashed through his crash helmet at 160mph. It will be interesting to see how he copes with the return to F1, if he jumps back in the car and is competitive, that’ll be one hell of a comeback.
• Alonso vs. Massa. Both of the two previous points can be merged into this one. Alonso and Massa are both fiercely competitive, they both have a fiery temper. Alonso likes to be number one, but like Lewis and Alonso in 2007, Massa will not want to give any ground to his Spanish team mate. Sparks will fly. These two have previous clashes on record.
• Bruno Senna will début. Bruno is the nephew of the famous Ayrton Senna, who is another legendary Formula One driver, who’s life was tragically cut short in 1994, when he became the last Formula One driver to die in a race. It will be interesting to see how Bruno copes with the pressure of expectation, brought on by his name. It’ll also be interesting to see how it affects some of the older drivers, including Schumacher and Barrichello, who will remember racing against Ayrton.
• The cars will be closer than ever. There are four potential title winning teams, Red Bull, McLaren, Ferrari and Mercedes. That means eight possible world champions. Although this list will get cut down over the season, it’s still a good selection.
• There will be more cars this year. 24 instead of 20. More cars equals more noise and more interesting battles.
• Pedro De La Rosa and Kamui Kobayashi are racing for Sauber. These two are bloody mental, and like to make silly overtaking attempts, that will end in some form of chaos.
• Richard Branson has his own team. It’s just good to watch Branson work, he is like a lion. It’s good to see new money coming into Formula One, and will be interesting to see how long Virgin Racing last.
• There should be no more lame stewards decisions. The system has been overhauled, and there is every chance that the driver who crosses the line first will be the actual winner of the race.

So please go and watch the race go down, there is nothing else to do on a Sunday. Except eat and talk to your family. Pah.