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There are many famous Aprils. Such as Bam Margera’s mum and the one from “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”. So, will April 2010 be famous and memorable in your life story? Read on to find out…

Capricorn – You may find yourself wanting to learn a new skill, I would recommend window cleaning. Your new found quest for knowledge will open doors (and windows) for you. If you are single, you are definitely going to presented with a romantic opportunity this month. Chances are, it’ll involve seeing a naked person through a window. Luck knocks on a yellow door, (not yellow and black stripes, as this may be a door to an electrical sub station).

Aquarius – As a water based sign, you feel happiest when covered in a fine mist. Luckily for you, April will be a foggy month. However, this fog made cloud your judgement. Think twice, or even thrice about every decision you make. Your spelling and grammar abilities will be heightened over the next few weeks, and yes, thrice is a word.  Why not take time to learn a new language? Actually, don’t bother, most people can speak English these days.

Pisces – Nothing seems real this month, everything is like a beautiful dream. Remember, all dreams come to an end, have you ever seen Cool Runnings? Yeah. Remember Cool Runnings this month, there is an important message there, and it’s not just about the winter Olympics. In your dream like state it may be easy for you to forget to do day to day tasks, such as bathing and applying for a TV licence. You must awaken from your dream like state when required, otherwise, it’ll be May before your know it.

Aries – Take a close look at a lottery ticket you have recently purchased. There will be something special about it. It could be that it holds a cash prize you have not yet noticed, or it could be that there is an hilarious typo somewhere on the ticket. Typo’s are funny. You will find yourself feeling empty towards the end of the month, so go for a curry. Order Peshwari Nan, it’s nice. Oh, and Pilau rice. You’ll know the correct main dish to go for.

Taurus – You recently manipulated the change to British Summer time to make it appear you made love to your partner for one hour three minutes, however we all know it was only three minutes. You should talk about this to someone…anyone…except a group of mates in the pub or in fact your partner. If you do this your will end up either laughed at or single respectively. You might also feel itchy. Scratch Taurus, scratch like you’ve never scratched before.

Gemini – If you had all the money in the world, what would you do? I’ll tell you. You’d buy all the wallets in the world to keep it in. What does this mean? You are too boring, and need to liven it up a bit! Jump out of your comfort zone! Go to a random gig, try a new fabric softener or even adopt a child. Just do something. Failure to do so will result in a routine month  of boredom, bills and paperwork. If you find your old collection of POGS, throw them away. They will never be worth anything.

Cancer – If you find someone invading your personal space, you will need to mace them. If mace is not allowed in your particular country, you can get this weird orange paint stuff. Google it. You need a little time alone, and should use whichever projectile is applicable to get it. During your time alone, you will learn more about yourself, such as the colour of your eyes and how many of your Facebook friends you actually know.

Leo – This is perhaps the most exciting month of the year for you. You will visit new places, discover new people, do little amounts of work and generally have a laugh. Awesome. I mean, because your a Leo, your ace anyway, but this month you are going to be acer than ace. Towards the end of the month normality will return, which will feel like a bit of a disappointment at first, but once you remember how good April was, you’ll soon cheer up and arrange to do it all again.

Virgo – This is a month in which you will be in demand, at work, at home or by the local police force. Make sure that you keep your contact details and road tax up to do date. You can pay online, so really you have no excuse. After all, your reading this so you must have access to the internet. Well I guess you could be reading on a phone, not sure if you can renew using the internet on your phone, I guess so, but I have never tried. The stars indicate you will invent an iPhone app that allows people to pay road tax online this month.

Libra – Sometimes you have to tell the truth to your friends, and the truth can hurt. Like standing on an upturned electrical plug, that’s the worst isn’t it. I once did it and jumped off the plug onto another so I had double the pain. You must be honest with your friends in April. Tell them about the secret cameras. They won’t judge. They’ll leave that to an actual judge. Seriously though, if you have done anything that would upset your friends, you should still talk to them about it. That way you can find out if your really are friends with them. Zing.

Scorpio – You may well find yourself singing along to that new Lady Gaga song, and immediately try to shoot yourself in the face. Don’t. It’s OK to be singing along to Gaga. Her songs are meant to be catchy and uplifting. You could just be caught in the melody, rather than going mad. There was a time when talking to yourself was the first sign of insanity, nowadays it’s singing along to Gaga. Still it could be worse, you could of named your Cactus “Glee Cast”, on account of the fact it’s full of pricks.

Sagittarius – Turn you hand to home baking, and make you and your family a place to live out of Victoria Spongecake. Obviously this may prove problematic in the short term, with rain and all, it’ll soon pay to have your home baked house, because you would otherwise not be able to find a larger home for a reasonable price. Also, when you are not home baking, you should read. Reading is good. Why not read a Harry Potter book. Oh right, because you are an adult. Good point.

A new application for Android and iPhone is about to be launched for tweeters who really can’t get enough. “Tweet while you sleep” uses a mobile device’s built-in microphone to listen for the sound of snoring. When this is detected, the application tweets “is currently asleep..” to the user’s twitter account.

The clever little app was ironically developed by an insomniac with no friends.

Many have expressed concerns that this will provide burglars with useful information, especially when the user provides geo-tagged location information. One twitter user said, “I do like twitter, and I tweet regularly, but I don’t think people really need to know when I’m asleep”. However another said “This is a brilliant idea, I know loads of people who tweet everything they are doing, including using the toilet! And why not I say!”.

In fact, using the toilet is the focus point of developer’s next app.

“Shitter” will run on any device with an accelerometer. It will be calibrated to detect the series of forces that occur when trousers are removed and record a geo-tagged tweet to the users account, saying “has just done a poo…”

There are fears that “Shitter” will produce some false positives, such as when trying on clothes in a changing room or influencing a member of parliament.

The developer said “we are really straining to get Shitter out soon”.

The race started in slightly damp fashion, with all drivers choosing to start on the intermediate rain tyres. Pole position man Vettel made a good start and lead comfortably at the first corner. The best get away belonged to Felipe Massa, who shot off the line quicker than an overweight businessman at a free conference buffet. He went from 5th to 2nd quicker than you could say “mmm..scotch eggs”.

Massa’s teamate Fernando Alonso spun after colliding with McLaren’s Jenson Button. McLaren appeared to be running there new “magnetic paint” in Melbourne, as throughout the race, various competitors were seemingly drawn towards the silver cars. Alonso’s spin damaged Michael Schumacher’s Mercedes which was forced to pit, Jenson Button and Lewis Hamilton were lucky to escape unharmed.

Kamui Kobayashi demonstrated the Sauber’s secret “weight loss” mechanism, and started to jettison various bits of bodywork, unfortunately the front wing is a crucial aerodynamic component, and without it he was unable to prevent an accident that could of been very serious. Kobayshi collided with Nico Hulkenberg andtook them both out of the race.

Lewis and Jenson started to have a bit of battle in 6th and 7th, Lewis managed to get past Jenson, who then, with little warning decided to head straight to the pits for dry weather tyres. The McLaren pit crew just about managed to arrive with tyres in time, a bit like when you order a Pizza and it arrives 29 minutes and 50 seconds after you place the order, 10 seconds later and you wouldn’t have had to pay for it. It was that close.

Exiting the pit lane Jenson was sliding everywhere. It looked like he had made perhaps the worst decision since Jedward’s father said to their mother ”fancy an early night darling?”. It took him a lap to get used to the grip levels, but once he had he was flying. The rest of the field then pitted, and by the time they had all got out Jenson was at the front end of the pack.

Vettel still lead the race and was screaming away, much like he had done in Bahrain two weeks previously. Hamilton started to close on Webber andtried to get past him round the outside of turn 3, Webber blocked Hamilton well, however neglected to turn the corner, possibly due the the aforementioned McLaren magnetic paint. This almost resulted in an accident and forced Webber onto the gravel.

Vettel continued to run away with the lead. Until, the Red Bull looked more like the Red Bullshit once again. A brake problem forced Vettel to retire after beaching on the gravel. That left Jenson in the lead, with about half the race distance still to run.

Renault’s Robert Kubica ran second in a brilliant display by the Polish driver.

Towards the end of the race, Hamilton came in for a secondtyre stop, this meant he was trapped behind the two Ferrari’s, and just in front of Mark Webber. Hamilton continued to gain on Fernando Alonso, but just couldn’t get close enough to make the move. Several toys were thrown from the McLarencockpit as Hamilton screamed down the radio “who’s decision was it to bring me in??? terrible, terrible decision!!”. This could hint towards a possible remote control system at McLaren, because surely the ultimate decision to drive a car into the pit lane is that of the driver?

Angry Lewis then lined up Alonso, couldn’t quite make it stick and had to back out. The magnetic paint struck again, as Mark Webber’s Red Bull was pulled into the back of the McLaren from some distance back. This resulted in Lewis losing a place, Mark Webber lost his front wing and had to pit.

Meanwhile, ahead of all the chaos, Jenson Button was already placing his dinner order as he cruised home to take his first win for McLaren, he had managed to make his soft tyres last well in excess of 50 laps. It takes a special kind of person to make soft rubber last that long. I mean, I’ve had the same condom in my wallet since 2001, but it’s hardly the same.

Since the dawn of time, one question has been puzzling man. What exactly do women want in a partner? Many claim to know the answer, however there has been no definitive proof. Until now.

Most men seem to think that most women are interested in such standards as – good looks, a sense of humour, the ability to cook, how good they would be as a father and if they are happy to go curtain shopping.

These men are wrong. Very wrong.

Researchers for the psychological studies department at Prickwillow University have just released the results of a ground breaking study. Over the course of three years, 150 single women were observed during everyday situations and attached to various monitoring implements. This allowed the research team to examine brain activity and work out exactly when the women were most susceptible to seduction.

Incredibly, the results show one activity did more for the ladies than any other conducted during the study. Professor Richard Ingaround, who lead the study said “it’s truly amazing, one hundred percent of the women who took part in the study found this particular activity to be the most arousing”.

So, what exactly was this most stimulating of all activities?

Well, the results show that all women, ever, can’t resist a bloody good “PowerPoint Presentation”.

This is a particularly sexy graph.

It’s true! All of the women were subject to multiple PowerPoint presentations during the study, on a variety of subjects – including health and safety. During each presentation the monitoring equipment revealed that, if he wanted to, the presenter could have probably had his way with any of them. This despite being a 42 year old divorcee, with bad teeth, who had just had garlic for dinner, didn’t wash his hands, was boring as sin, had no sense of humour, referred to children as “an expensive mistake”, made sexist comments and openly discussed his reliance on Viagra to provide “two minutes of the most depressing lovemaking ever known to man”.

These results will surely boost the sales of Microsoft Powerpoint and see membership numbers at gyms fall.

A closer examination of the results show that while standard pie charts and backgrounds are pretty arousing, adding as many unnecessary animations and sound effects to the presentation as possible will often send women over the edge.

The full results of the study will be revealed at a presentation in central London next week, Professor Ingaround said “I am very excited about giving this presentation, I have personally paid for one hundred Swedish Au pairs to be flown in to attend”.

At the time of writing Wikipedia, the largest source of possibly accurate information on the planet, has been down for several hours. The cause of the outage is believed to be an overheating data-centre in Amsterdam.

The knock-on effect has been catastrophic, several operations at major hospitals in the United Kingdom have been canceled, as doctors are unable to look up how to perform procedures, several schools closed early due to teachers not being able to check answers, and traffic has come to a halt on several roads as people forget how to drive. The national union of pub quizzes has warned people planning on attending a pub quiz tonight to remain indoors.

The PM has called for calm admist the chaos.

Speaking outside Downing Street Gordon Brown said “the country has faced worse crises than this and recovered, I would give some examples but have been unable to locate any..”

Meanwhile parts of London are reported to be under Marshall law, as the police are unable to attend many incidents because they can’t remember the phonetic alphabet and as a result are unable to use the correct call-signs. One radio call for “Tango Seesaw Munchkin Delta” was overheard.

Without Wikipedia more people are forgetting how to drive than normal.

Please stay indoors, do not attempt to do anything that you can’t remember how to do, do not enter into an argument which may require the discovery of facts to resolve, and tune into your BBC local radio station for the latest updates on the Wikipedia Crisis.

If you can’t remember the frequency for your BBC local radio station then a full list is available on…..ah, shit.

Have you ever been shopping on a Saturday morning, only to be held up by an elderly couple ambling around, seemingly unaware that there is football on at 12:45? If so, you may of thought to yourself – “you’ve had all bloody week to do your shopping, I’ve been at work, go away”. You may even have muttered it under your breath, it doesn’t matter if you have, they can’t hear you.

Well it seems some internet service provider bosses have had similar thoughts during the weekend shop.

One ISP, is writing to all customers over 65 requesting that they stay clear of the internet at weekends, to reduce the load and increase the speed. One customer was quite angry about this and gave us a copy of the letter. When asked what action he would take he said “this reminds me of a similar situation with the phone company in 1925, or was it 1983?”.

A letter to all customers over 65, which is not available in large type.

It remains to be seen what effect this will have on the internet, if any, as many customers won’t even be able to bend down to pick up the letter.

With the news that talks aimed at averting the strikes by BA cabin crew have broken down, the airline has vowed to run as many flights as possible during the industrial action. Many cabin crew have offered to work as normal, crossing the picket line. Some flights will also be operated by other airlines. However, a more interesting contingency has been arranged for some flights.

With 80% of the flight time on a regular flight spent on autopilot, it has been decided that the autopilot systems should now take on 100% of the flying, freeing the human pilots up to fill in for there striking colleagues by taking on more pressing issues, such as the delivery of duty free goods and horrible food to passengers.

When questioned if this was safe or not, an industry insider said “yes perfectly safe, it’s the best possible solution, well, until someone can invent an autopilot that can cook and wear cheap aftershave”.

Autopilots are generally considered to be more accurate than there human counterparts, and more reliable when making decisions. However crucially, they are unable to do a proper smooth Captains voice on the PA announcement at the start of the flight, when you have finally just got to sleep, and in the middle of a good bit of a movie.

Some passengers may not be entirely happy knowing their safety relies entirely on a computer, however they should be reminded that the entire aeroplane was probably designed on a computer in the first place.

It remains to be seen how the human pilots will get on doing jobs normally the forte of the cabin crew. One pilot said “I can handle a 400,000 pound plane at 37,000 feet doing 560 mph easily, but could someone please explain to me what the f**k a Mojito is and how to make one….is it some kind of hat?”

It is likely to be a long and stressful weekend for all parties. Except the autopilots, they just get on with it.

Anyone who has been scared by the threat of having a dodgy bloke in a detector van sitting outside their house will know how much a TV licence costs. Can you imagine paying playing a similar amount to use the internet? It could happen, the idea is being actively considered.

Much like the TV licence, where you can pay for black and white or colour, there would be two types of licence. These two types of internet licence would be “clean” or “full”. The full licence would permit access to adult content on the internet and would cost 175% more than the clean licence. This is because 80% of the internet consists of adult content.

Males living on there own would be forced to have a full licence by default.

Licence evaders would have there internet connections disabled completely, or restricted to a single wikipedia article on the “crazy frog”.

The need for a licence has come about due to increasing demands on the United Kingdom’s telecommunications infrastructure, as internet use has skyrocketed in recent years. Increased use of streaming video services like Youtube and BBC iPlayer have been singled out as the main cause of the increased demand for bandwidth. Well them and downloads of that Paris Hilton video.

While the exact planned cost of the Internet licence is unknown, anything more than £0 will likely go down badly with many. One randomly selected man said of it “I ain’t payin’ to look at that shit, I’ve already downloaded the Paris Hilton video and burnt it to DVD anyway, it’s shit, it looks like a David Attenborough documentary rather than a porno”. Another said “I’ve told you before you prick, get out of my house and stop asking me questions about the f**king internet”.

Whatever happens, as long as things continue to happen, life will be ongoing.

It was the opening race of the season, and all eyes were focused squarely on Eddie Jordan’s incredibly tight white trousers, as he co-presented the BBC coverage. Seriously, how do his two vege survive in that stranglehold?

On track it looked like Sebastian Vettel was going to run off laughing after securing pole position in his Red Bull car. He made a good start and was the clear leader into the first corner. Just behind him Ferrari’s Fernando Alonso cruised past the recently stitched back together Felipe Massa to take second place from his team mate.

Mark Webber successfully demonstrated Red Bull’s new “smoke screen” system, controversially designed by Assistant Technical Director Dick Dastardly. He used to good affect and got shot of Force India’s Adrian Sutil and Renault’s Robert Kubica, who were blinded by the oily smokey mess.

The McLaren’s of Lewis Hamilton and Jenson Button plodded on, not really making an impression, but just being there. A bit like the most popular girl at schools slightly “heavier” best friend. The same could be said of Mercedes, where youngster Nico Rosberg stayed well ahead of the returning Michael Schumacher.

Speaking of Schumacher, he didn’t really have the ultimate comeback many had expected. He later revealed that the balance of his car was not right, as he stored his walking stick on the left hand side of the cockpit, not the right as he had done in qualifying.

Towards the back of the field the new teams in F1 tried their very best, but really, they may as well have been powered by Fred Flintstones feet. The computer designed Virgin Racing cars performed an illegal operation, and as the regulations prohibit rebooting during the race, they had to retire.

The HRT cars of Bruno Senna and Karun Chandok also suffered. Karun was the first to go, he hit a wall, and as the HRT car is made primarily of plywood he was unable to continue.

So with Alonso and Massa closing steadily on Vettel, disaster struck the Red Bull’s Renault engine. An suspected exhaust failure meant the car lost power and speed. The Ferrari’s and Lewis Hamilton ate Vettel up. Forcing him back to fourth position.

Alonso crossed the line to claim the victory in his first race with Ferrari. Massa was an impressive second and a clearly ecstatic Hamilton was third.

The real winners on the day were the F1 fans, who, thanks to the decision of Lewis Hamilton to ditch his Dad as his manager, were no longer forced to watch constantly reproduced images of him watching his son race, making faces like a constipated grape, while a semi-interested Pussycat doll passes the time in the background.

Formula One, it is a sport that divides many. Many consider it the ultimate demonstration of man and machine working together in perfect harmony at incredible speed. Others think it’s just a bunch of cars going around and around for hours. I guess in a way, both views are correct.

I bloody love it though, and this year, even if you have never watched Formula One before, you should at least try and watch some of it.

There are so many things going on in Formula One this season that will make it an historic one. It will be talked about for years and years to come, some say, it could even be the best season ever. I have prepared a list of the reasons you should watch. I am a fan of lists.

• Michael Schumacher is back. Non Formula One fans know Schumacher, he is a sportsman who has risen above the walls of his own sport and into the ranks of recognisable legends. He is coming out of retirement to race again. Aged 41, it will be interesting to see if he still has his abilities, or if his neck will fall off going round a corner.
• Team GB. Jenson Button and Lewis Hamilton are going to be team mates at McLaren. They are the only two British drivers in the field. They are both World Champions, Jenson in 2009 and Lewis in 2008. They are both capable of winning. They both want to win and will want to prove to the United Kingdom who is the better driver. This will be very interesting and may result in crashes/tears.
• Team Germany. Schumacher will be joined at Merc by Nico Rosberg. Nico is an upcoming star in the sport. This makes two German drivers, driving a German car vs. two Brits in a British (with a German Engine) car. Germany vs. Britain. I’m sure there is a rivalry there.
• Fernando Alonso is driving a Ferrari. He is a two time world Champion, 2005 and 2006. However, since then he has not had a good enough car to be competitive. Having said that, he did drive a McLaren alongside Lewis Hamilton in 2007, which he could have won in, however Lewis refused to be a push over and raced for himself. Taking crucial championship points off of Fernando. He is a good driver, and this year he is in a very good car.
• Felipe Massa is also in a Ferrari. He is also a potential World Champion. He had to miss half of last year because of a very serious injury caused when a large spring smashed through his crash helmet at 160mph. It will be interesting to see how he copes with the return to F1, if he jumps back in the car and is competitive, that’ll be one hell of a comeback.
• Alonso vs. Massa. Both of the two previous points can be merged into this one. Alonso and Massa are both fiercely competitive, they both have a fiery temper. Alonso likes to be number one, but like Lewis and Alonso in 2007, Massa will not want to give any ground to his Spanish team mate. Sparks will fly. These two have previous clashes on record.
• Bruno Senna will début. Bruno is the nephew of the famous Ayrton Senna, who is another legendary Formula One driver, who’s life was tragically cut short in 1994, when he became the last Formula One driver to die in a race. It will be interesting to see how Bruno copes with the pressure of expectation, brought on by his name. It’ll also be interesting to see how it affects some of the older drivers, including Schumacher and Barrichello, who will remember racing against Ayrton.
• The cars will be closer than ever. There are four potential title winning teams, Red Bull, McLaren, Ferrari and Mercedes. That means eight possible world champions. Although this list will get cut down over the season, it’s still a good selection.
• There will be more cars this year. 24 instead of 20. More cars equals more noise and more interesting battles.
• Pedro De La Rosa and Kamui Kobayashi are racing for Sauber. These two are bloody mental, and like to make silly overtaking attempts, that will end in some form of chaos.
• Richard Branson has his own team. It’s just good to watch Branson work, he is like a lion. It’s good to see new money coming into Formula One, and will be interesting to see how long Virgin Racing last.
• There should be no more lame stewards decisions. The system has been overhauled, and there is every chance that the driver who crosses the line first will be the actual winner of the race.

So please go and watch the race go down, there is nothing else to do on a Sunday. Except eat and talk to your family. Pah.