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In the early 2000′s I was at high school. It was during this time I discovered the world of instant messaging. No longer did I have to leave my bedroom to make contact with my friend(s). I recently found an old hard disk with some chat logs on. It was like a seeing my past brought to life in ASCII text. Here are just some of the highlights. In order to protect the identities of my friends in the conversations, I have changed their names to be random Japanese names.

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On 15th September 2001 at 12:22 – Aiko wrote: Hiya

On 15th September 2001 at 12:22 – Aiko wrote: I’m sooo bored

On 15th September 2001 at 12:24 – you wrote: do something then

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On 22nd September 2001 at 17:50 – you wrote: hi mate hows it goin?

On 22nd September 2001 at 17:52 – Hiroshi wrote:  soz mate i gtg

Hiroshi appears to be offline

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On 22nd September 2001 at 18:10 – you wrote: hi

On 22nd September 2001 at 18:10 – you wrote: what you doin?

On 22nd September 2001 at 18:11 – Jun wrote: talkin to ppl on here and listening to music, you?

On 22nd September 2001 at 18:13 – you wrote: i’m listenin to music 2. who u talkin 2?

On 22nd September 2001 at 18:15 – Jun wrote: Hiroshi, you, Aiko and Wang

On 22nd September 2001 at 18:19 – you wrote: Hiroshi said he had to go. is he online?

On 22nd September 2001 at 18:20 – Jun wrote: yeah

On 22nd September 2001 at 18:20 – Jun wrote: he must not like you lol

On 22nd September 2001 at 18:22 – you wrote: arsehole.

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On 3rd October 2001 at 19:01 – Momoko wrote:  hey baby

On 3rd October 2001 at 19:03 – you wrote: errr…hi

On 3rd October 2001 at 19:04 – you wrote: what’s with the baby?

On 3rd October 2001 at 19:05 – Momoko wrote: i can call you baby can’t i? you like that don’t you

On 3rd October 2001 at 19:06 – you wrote: mmm..ok

On 3rd October 2001 at 19:07 – Momoko wrote: what you doin 2nite baby

On 3rd October 2001 at 19:08 – you wrote: nothing much, you

On 3rd October 2001 at 19:10 – Momoko wrote: ive got a free house, im lonely, wanna come round and see me?

On 3rd October 2001 at 19:11 – you wrote:  er yeah sure

On 3rd October 2001 at 19:12 – Momoko wrote: i’ll make it worth your while..

On 3rd October 2001 at 19:12 – Momoko wrote:

On 3rd October 2001 at 19:13 – you wrote: what number house is yours again??

On 3rd October 2001 at 19:15 – you wrote: ???

On 3rd October 2001 at 19:17 – Momoko wrote: hi shewy it’s Momoko – sorry my i left my msn on, you were talking to my sister, she was winding you up.

On 3rd October 2001 at 19:17 – Momoko wrote: i gtg. sorry.

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These are hours I will never get back. This fact makes me die a little inside.

The race started in the intense afternoon heat, black clouds threatened to unleash torrential rain, however it stayed dry throughout. This is more than can be said for Eddie Jordan’s armpits, which had remained saturated throughout the weekend. Mark Webber started the race from pole position, a position he kept for about thirty seconds as he handed the lead to his team mate Sebastian Vettel, who made a cracking start.

Lewis Hamilton made up eight places at the start, he had qualified 21st, but was well up the order by the time all the cars cleared the first corner. The two Ferrari’s also jumped a few midfield cars, however Jenson Button struggled to get his McLaren past the two Toro Rosso cars. Rubens Barrichello was lucky to have avoided being rear ended after getting away slowly from the grid.

The first corner was destruction free, Vettel lead Webber, meanwhile Nico Rosberg was third.

The Ferrari’s and McLaren’s then set about carving their way up the field. Lewis Hamilton was by far the most successful carver, he managed to dispense with the Toro Rosso’s while the Ferrari’s could not, allowing him to pull away from his rivals.  Lewis did encounter some resistance from the Renault of Vitaly Petrov, he managed to slide past the Russian but lost the place again after Petrov got a pretty good tow on the main straight. One lap later and Hamilton went past again, however this time decided to employ his standard “Grand Theft Auto” tactic, and weave all over the road to lose his pursuer. This tactic allowed him to get away from the Renault, he was also seen pressing L2 + Triangle + R1 + L2 + Circle on his steering wheel. The stewards gave him a warning about his PlayStation like antics.

Alonso’s Ferrari had decided to start eating itself, leaving him with reduced downshifting abilities and making the Ferrari sound more like a moped. It was unclear how much longer the car would last.

Michael Schumacher had issues with his nuts and had to retire.

With no sign of rain, the teams made standard tyre stops. Vettel’s was cracking, however Mark Webber lost a couple of seconds due to a sticky wheel gun. This well and truly ended Webber’s chances of winning the race. Well, unless Vettel’s Red Bull destroyed itself like it had done for the last couple of races.

In the final stages of the race Felipe Massa caught Jenson Button and performed a neat overtaking move to get past the Brit. Alonso tried to get past Button but the Ferrari could take no more, and the engine gave up on him, forcing him to retire.

Vettel crossed the line, followed by his team mate Mark Webber and then Nico Rosberg of Mercedes.

On the podium the flags had been arranged the wrong way round, meaning Mark Webber is now technically German and Rosberg Australian. This was an easy mistake to make as Mark Webber is known for not having a sense of humour.

There are many famous Aprils. Such as Bam Margera’s mum and the one from “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”. So, will April 2010 be famous and memorable in your life story? Read on to find out…

Capricorn – You may find yourself wanting to learn a new skill, I would recommend window cleaning. Your new found quest for knowledge will open doors (and windows) for you. If you are single, you are definitely going to presented with a romantic opportunity this month. Chances are, it’ll involve seeing a naked person through a window. Luck knocks on a yellow door, (not yellow and black stripes, as this may be a door to an electrical sub station).

Aquarius – As a water based sign, you feel happiest when covered in a fine mist. Luckily for you, April will be a foggy month. However, this fog made cloud your judgement. Think twice, or even thrice about every decision you make. Your spelling and grammar abilities will be heightened over the next few weeks, and yes, thrice is a word.  Why not take time to learn a new language? Actually, don’t bother, most people can speak English these days.

Pisces – Nothing seems real this month, everything is like a beautiful dream. Remember, all dreams come to an end, have you ever seen Cool Runnings? Yeah. Remember Cool Runnings this month, there is an important message there, and it’s not just about the winter Olympics. In your dream like state it may be easy for you to forget to do day to day tasks, such as bathing and applying for a TV licence. You must awaken from your dream like state when required, otherwise, it’ll be May before your know it.

Aries – Take a close look at a lottery ticket you have recently purchased. There will be something special about it. It could be that it holds a cash prize you have not yet noticed, or it could be that there is an hilarious typo somewhere on the ticket. Typo’s are funny. You will find yourself feeling empty towards the end of the month, so go for a curry. Order Peshwari Nan, it’s nice. Oh, and Pilau rice. You’ll know the correct main dish to go for.

Taurus – You recently manipulated the change to British Summer time to make it appear you made love to your partner for one hour three minutes, however we all know it was only three minutes. You should talk about this to someone…anyone…except a group of mates in the pub or in fact your partner. If you do this your will end up either laughed at or single respectively. You might also feel itchy. Scratch Taurus, scratch like you’ve never scratched before.

Gemini – If you had all the money in the world, what would you do? I’ll tell you. You’d buy all the wallets in the world to keep it in. What does this mean? You are too boring, and need to liven it up a bit! Jump out of your comfort zone! Go to a random gig, try a new fabric softener or even adopt a child. Just do something. Failure to do so will result in a routine month  of boredom, bills and paperwork. If you find your old collection of POGS, throw them away. They will never be worth anything.

Cancer – If you find someone invading your personal space, you will need to mace them. If mace is not allowed in your particular country, you can get this weird orange paint stuff. Google it. You need a little time alone, and should use whichever projectile is applicable to get it. During your time alone, you will learn more about yourself, such as the colour of your eyes and how many of your Facebook friends you actually know.

Leo – This is perhaps the most exciting month of the year for you. You will visit new places, discover new people, do little amounts of work and generally have a laugh. Awesome. I mean, because your a Leo, your ace anyway, but this month you are going to be acer than ace. Towards the end of the month normality will return, which will feel like a bit of a disappointment at first, but once you remember how good April was, you’ll soon cheer up and arrange to do it all again.

Virgo – This is a month in which you will be in demand, at work, at home or by the local police force. Make sure that you keep your contact details and road tax up to do date. You can pay online, so really you have no excuse. After all, your reading this so you must have access to the internet. Well I guess you could be reading on a phone, not sure if you can renew using the internet on your phone, I guess so, but I have never tried. The stars indicate you will invent an iPhone app that allows people to pay road tax online this month.

Libra – Sometimes you have to tell the truth to your friends, and the truth can hurt. Like standing on an upturned electrical plug, that’s the worst isn’t it. I once did it and jumped off the plug onto another so I had double the pain. You must be honest with your friends in April. Tell them about the secret cameras. They won’t judge. They’ll leave that to an actual judge. Seriously though, if you have done anything that would upset your friends, you should still talk to them about it. That way you can find out if your really are friends with them. Zing.

Scorpio – You may well find yourself singing along to that new Lady Gaga song, and immediately try to shoot yourself in the face. Don’t. It’s OK to be singing along to Gaga. Her songs are meant to be catchy and uplifting. You could just be caught in the melody, rather than going mad. There was a time when talking to yourself was the first sign of insanity, nowadays it’s singing along to Gaga. Still it could be worse, you could of named your Cactus “Glee Cast”, on account of the fact it’s full of pricks.

Sagittarius – Turn you hand to home baking, and make you and your family a place to live out of Victoria Spongecake. Obviously this may prove problematic in the short term, with rain and all, it’ll soon pay to have your home baked house, because you would otherwise not be able to find a larger home for a reasonable price. Also, when you are not home baking, you should read. Reading is good. Why not read a Harry Potter book. Oh right, because you are an adult. Good point.

A new application for Android and iPhone is about to be launched for tweeters who really can’t get enough. “Tweet while you sleep” uses a mobile device’s built-in microphone to listen for the sound of snoring. When this is detected, the application tweets “is currently asleep..” to the user’s twitter account.

The clever little app was ironically developed by an insomniac with no friends.

Many have expressed concerns that this will provide burglars with useful information, especially when the user provides geo-tagged location information. One twitter user said, “I do like twitter, and I tweet regularly, but I don’t think people really need to know when I’m asleep”. However another said “This is a brilliant idea, I know loads of people who tweet everything they are doing, including using the toilet! And why not I say!”.

In fact, using the toilet is the focus point of developer’s next app.

“Shitter” will run on any device with an accelerometer. It will be calibrated to detect the series of forces that occur when trousers are removed and record a geo-tagged tweet to the users account, saying “has just done a poo…”

There are fears that “Shitter” will produce some false positives, such as when trying on clothes in a changing room or influencing a member of parliament.

The developer said “we are really straining to get Shitter out soon”.

The race started in slightly damp fashion, with all drivers choosing to start on the intermediate rain tyres. Pole position man Vettel made a good start and lead comfortably at the first corner. The best get away belonged to Felipe Massa, who shot off the line quicker than an overweight businessman at a free conference buffet. He went from 5th to 2nd quicker than you could say “mmm..scotch eggs”.

Massa’s teamate Fernando Alonso spun after colliding with McLaren’s Jenson Button. McLaren appeared to be running there new “magnetic paint” in Melbourne, as throughout the race, various competitors were seemingly drawn towards the silver cars. Alonso’s spin damaged Michael Schumacher’s Mercedes which was forced to pit, Jenson Button and Lewis Hamilton were lucky to escape unharmed.

Kamui Kobayashi demonstrated the Sauber’s secret “weight loss” mechanism, and started to jettison various bits of bodywork, unfortunately the front wing is a crucial aerodynamic component, and without it he was unable to prevent an accident that could of been very serious. Kobayshi collided with Nico Hulkenberg andtook them both out of the race.

Lewis and Jenson started to have a bit of battle in 6th and 7th, Lewis managed to get past Jenson, who then, with little warning decided to head straight to the pits for dry weather tyres. The McLaren pit crew just about managed to arrive with tyres in time, a bit like when you order a Pizza and it arrives 29 minutes and 50 seconds after you place the order, 10 seconds later and you wouldn’t have had to pay for it. It was that close.

Exiting the pit lane Jenson was sliding everywhere. It looked like he had made perhaps the worst decision since Jedward’s father said to their mother ”fancy an early night darling?”. It took him a lap to get used to the grip levels, but once he had he was flying. The rest of the field then pitted, and by the time they had all got out Jenson was at the front end of the pack.

Vettel still lead the race and was screaming away, much like he had done in Bahrain two weeks previously. Hamilton started to close on Webber andtried to get past him round the outside of turn 3, Webber blocked Hamilton well, however neglected to turn the corner, possibly due the the aforementioned McLaren magnetic paint. This almost resulted in an accident and forced Webber onto the gravel.

Vettel continued to run away with the lead. Until, the Red Bull looked more like the Red Bullshit once again. A brake problem forced Vettel to retire after beaching on the gravel. That left Jenson in the lead, with about half the race distance still to run.

Renault’s Robert Kubica ran second in a brilliant display by the Polish driver.

Towards the end of the race, Hamilton came in for a secondtyre stop, this meant he was trapped behind the two Ferrari’s, and just in front of Mark Webber. Hamilton continued to gain on Fernando Alonso, but just couldn’t get close enough to make the move. Several toys were thrown from the McLarencockpit as Hamilton screamed down the radio “who’s decision was it to bring me in??? terrible, terrible decision!!”. This could hint towards a possible remote control system at McLaren, because surely the ultimate decision to drive a car into the pit lane is that of the driver?

Angry Lewis then lined up Alonso, couldn’t quite make it stick and had to back out. The magnetic paint struck again, as Mark Webber’s Red Bull was pulled into the back of the McLaren from some distance back. This resulted in Lewis losing a place, Mark Webber lost his front wing and had to pit.

Meanwhile, ahead of all the chaos, Jenson Button was already placing his dinner order as he cruised home to take his first win for McLaren, he had managed to make his soft tyres last well in excess of 50 laps. It takes a special kind of person to make soft rubber last that long. I mean, I’ve had the same condom in my wallet since 2001, but it’s hardly the same.

Since the dawn of time, one question has been puzzling man. What exactly do women want in a partner? Many claim to know the answer, however there has been no definitive proof. Until now.

Most men seem to think that most women are interested in such standards as – good looks, a sense of humour, the ability to cook, how good they would be as a father and if they are happy to go curtain shopping.

These men are wrong. Very wrong.

Researchers for the psychological studies department at Prickwillow University have just released the results of a ground breaking study. Over the course of three years, 150 single women were observed during everyday situations and attached to various monitoring implements. This allowed the research team to examine brain activity and work out exactly when the women were most susceptible to seduction.

Incredibly, the results show one activity did more for the ladies than any other conducted during the study. Professor Richard Ingaround, who lead the study said “it’s truly amazing, one hundred percent of the women who took part in the study found this particular activity to be the most arousing”.

So, what exactly was this most stimulating of all activities?

Well, the results show that all women, ever, can’t resist a bloody good “PowerPoint Presentation”.

This is a particularly sexy graph.

It’s true! All of the women were subject to multiple PowerPoint presentations during the study, on a variety of subjects – including health and safety. During each presentation the monitoring equipment revealed that, if he wanted to, the presenter could have probably had his way with any of them. This despite being a 42 year old divorcee, with bad teeth, who had just had garlic for dinner, didn’t wash his hands, was boring as sin, had no sense of humour, referred to children as “an expensive mistake”, made sexist comments and openly discussed his reliance on Viagra to provide “two minutes of the most depressing lovemaking ever known to man”.

These results will surely boost the sales of Microsoft Powerpoint and see membership numbers at gyms fall.

A closer examination of the results show that while standard pie charts and backgrounds are pretty arousing, adding as many unnecessary animations and sound effects to the presentation as possible will often send women over the edge.

The full results of the study will be revealed at a presentation in central London next week, Professor Ingaround said “I am very excited about giving this presentation, I have personally paid for one hundred Swedish Au pairs to be flown in to attend”.

At the time of writing Wikipedia, the largest source of possibly accurate information on the planet, has been down for several hours. The cause of the outage is believed to be an overheating data-centre in Amsterdam.

The knock-on effect has been catastrophic, several operations at major hospitals in the United Kingdom have been canceled, as doctors are unable to look up how to perform procedures, several schools closed early due to teachers not being able to check answers, and traffic has come to a halt on several roads as people forget how to drive. The national union of pub quizzes has warned people planning on attending a pub quiz tonight to remain indoors.

The PM has called for calm admist the chaos.

Speaking outside Downing Street Gordon Brown said “the country has faced worse crises than this and recovered, I would give some examples but have been unable to locate any..”

Meanwhile parts of London are reported to be under Marshall law, as the police are unable to attend many incidents because they can’t remember the phonetic alphabet and as a result are unable to use the correct call-signs. One radio call for “Tango Seesaw Munchkin Delta” was overheard.

Without Wikipedia more people are forgetting how to drive than normal.

Please stay indoors, do not attempt to do anything that you can’t remember how to do, do not enter into an argument which may require the discovery of facts to resolve, and tune into your BBC local radio station for the latest updates on the Wikipedia Crisis.

If you can’t remember the frequency for your BBC local radio station then a full list is available on…..ah, shit.

Have you ever been shopping on a Saturday morning, only to be held up by an elderly couple ambling around, seemingly unaware that there is football on at 12:45? If so, you may of thought to yourself – “you’ve had all bloody week to do your shopping, I’ve been at work, go away”. You may even have muttered it under your breath, it doesn’t matter if you have, they can’t hear you.

Well it seems some internet service provider bosses have had similar thoughts during the weekend shop.

One ISP, is writing to all customers over 65 requesting that they stay clear of the internet at weekends, to reduce the load and increase the speed. One customer was quite angry about this and gave us a copy of the letter. When asked what action he would take he said “this reminds me of a similar situation with the phone company in 1925, or was it 1983?”.

A letter to all customers over 65, which is not available in large type.

It remains to be seen what effect this will have on the internet, if any, as many customers won’t even be able to bend down to pick up the letter.

With the news that talks aimed at averting the strikes by BA cabin crew have broken down, the airline has vowed to run as many flights as possible during the industrial action. Many cabin crew have offered to work as normal, crossing the picket line. Some flights will also be operated by other airlines. However, a more interesting contingency has been arranged for some flights.

With 80% of the flight time on a regular flight spent on autopilot, it has been decided that the autopilot systems should now take on 100% of the flying, freeing the human pilots up to fill in for there striking colleagues by taking on more pressing issues, such as the delivery of duty free goods and horrible food to passengers.

When questioned if this was safe or not, an industry insider said “yes perfectly safe, it’s the best possible solution, well, until someone can invent an autopilot that can cook and wear cheap aftershave”.

Autopilots are generally considered to be more accurate than there human counterparts, and more reliable when making decisions. However crucially, they are unable to do a proper smooth Captains voice on the PA announcement at the start of the flight, when you have finally just got to sleep, and in the middle of a good bit of a movie.

Some passengers may not be entirely happy knowing their safety relies entirely on a computer, however they should be reminded that the entire aeroplane was probably designed on a computer in the first place.

It remains to be seen how the human pilots will get on doing jobs normally the forte of the cabin crew. One pilot said “I can handle a 400,000 pound plane at 37,000 feet doing 560 mph easily, but could someone please explain to me what the f**k a Mojito is and how to make one….is it some kind of hat?”

It is likely to be a long and stressful weekend for all parties. Except the autopilots, they just get on with it.

Anyone who has been scared by the threat of having a dodgy bloke in a detector van sitting outside their house will know how much a TV licence costs. Can you imagine paying playing a similar amount to use the internet? It could happen, the idea is being actively considered.

Much like the TV licence, where you can pay for black and white or colour, there would be two types of licence. These two types of internet licence would be “clean” or “full”. The full licence would permit access to adult content on the internet and would cost 175% more than the clean licence. This is because 80% of the internet consists of adult content.

Males living on there own would be forced to have a full licence by default.

Licence evaders would have there internet connections disabled completely, or restricted to a single wikipedia article on the “crazy frog”.

The need for a licence has come about due to increasing demands on the United Kingdom’s telecommunications infrastructure, as internet use has skyrocketed in recent years. Increased use of streaming video services like Youtube and BBC iPlayer have been singled out as the main cause of the increased demand for bandwidth. Well them and downloads of that Paris Hilton video.

While the exact planned cost of the Internet licence is unknown, anything more than £0 will likely go down badly with many. One randomly selected man said of it “I ain’t payin’ to look at that shit, I’ve already downloaded the Paris Hilton video and burnt it to DVD anyway, it’s shit, it looks like a David Attenborough documentary rather than a porno”. Another said “I’ve told you before you prick, get out of my house and stop asking me questions about the f**king internet”.

Whatever happens, as long as things continue to happen, life will be ongoing.